So Lonely

Well it's Saturday night an I'm home alone, so how about I cry over how I don't have a girlfriend. Magic just doesn't pull in women, I don't know why there's a lot of math and I suppose it just doesn't have much appeal. Foreign women pursue the degree, but tend to associate with people from their own country, and if they date I guess that's who.

That's only the proximate cause of my problem. Investment bankers and fighter pilots tend to be men as well, but when they see a woman they know what to do. I don't.

I am a loser.

:: sigh ::

I was at the watchtower last night with David. Yeah, again. I should probably tell you right now that if you don't like stories about me at the bar you probably should forget about this blog. Pool and three beers is a big night for me.

OK, where was I? Self pity, right! So I was at the watchtower playing pool with David, the other night when we caught sight of these two girls checking us out. I never would have noticed, but David whacked me in the leg with his queue and staged whispered, "Man, those hottie are scoping us!"

I looked over. They weren't exactly hotties. Well that sound's wrong, I don't mean to imply they were ugly. I just mean they looked more like a couple of low level professionals unwinding after work then over-styled members of the beautiful set out on the prowl. "Nah, they're just looking this direction. I bet they want a waitress."

"Dude, they are scoping us out," David bent 'out' into a bit of a howling sound.

"I read about this. Someone did a study; men tend to overestimate women's interest in them. They studied a bunch of college students and males are two times a likely a female to assume the same expression means interest."

As though to prove me wrong, one of the girls giggled and then looked away kind of shyly as she noticed us noticing them. The other nudged her and said something. "Quit being a downer. They want us. Let's go over there and talk to them."

"Let's just keep playing. I'm not dressed for this."

"You look fine."

"I look like a wire hanger." There's not picture on this blog (because if we meet in real life I don't want you to recognize me) but let's just say I'm tall and scrawny. To my credit I think I have a pretty good sense of style, but most cloths are designed to show off features I just don't have.

"I'm going. I tell you this so you'll understand you're going to look like a geek if you stand here playing with your balls all alone." David set off, and I basically had to follow.

The girls really had been checking us out which I still count the biggest wonder of the night, so at David's incredibly smooth, "I don't think I've seen you around here," they both schooched over to let us in. I ended up next to the quieter of the couple; a girl with brown blond hair, and stylish but very thick glasses.

We all exchanged the usual pleasantries. "So do you guys play?" David ask looking totaly at the girl he was sitting next to.

"I'll kick you're butt!"

"You're on." David slid out of the seat and the girl, Jane, rose to follow staggering into him slightly. That elicited a giggle from her, and an entirely unnecessary helping hand from him. It also left me and the quite girl, Carol, alone.

I didn't know if I should move to the other side of the booth. I didn't want to look like I didn't want to be next to her, but we were still just talking like two strangers, so I didn't want to intrude on her space. Compromising my way into the worst situation, I over thought it until I should have stayed put, decided i should move, stood and executed a fake stretch, then plunked down on the other side of the booth, feeling profoundly foolish.

"Um, so dental hygienist? That must be interesting."

Carol made a face, "Not really. It's kind of like brushing people's teeth all day long."

"Oh."

"Some of them really need their teeth brushed. There are nights when I feel like I can still smell the rotten breath all night long."

To my female readers: this is not how you seduce a man. "Sorry."

"Job hazard. So, you're a magician. You must be smart."

I shrugged and chuckled my best modest laugh. "It's not so bad." I wasn't being humble, by the way. People always at like magic is so hard, and I guess school and new spell design qualify, but I've told you my day to day work. I feel fairly inferior to people the hard exploratory sciences most of the time.

"Can you show me some magic?"

I should have just made a flirty joke. Instead I offered to try.

"Oh cool."

I looked around. There were a couple of napkins on the table, but they were soggy messes. "I don't suppose you have something that will burn?"

She dug a cigarette out of a purse nearly the size of an overnight bag. "It's just clove. I don't really smoke them, but about once a week I like the smell."

"It will work beautifully."

I concentrated and easily tapped into that vast flow of energy I've described before. Mumbling focus words under my breath I struggled against every other fool trying to light a fire without a match everywhere else in the world. First, I tried Marcuses exciter, attempting to jiggle extra energy into the molecules of the paper. It was no good, they felt the size of bowling balls. I hadn't expected that one to work, so I gave up quickly. Next came fundamental joining, a more complex form of focus. I had a little bit of luck, made the paper hot at least. When that didn't do any good, I gave Superior Graphite Alteration, a shot. I was shocked how hard that was. Last I knew, that one was kind of obscure. I barely know Failed Mass Addition, but with a little fumbling I got that going, and mentally I felt the paper start to get hot enough to combust. Thinking quickly (and cleverly if I do say so myself) I funneled power into Fundamental Joining and the cigarette caught.

I opened my eyes and presented the cigarette to Carol with a flourish with one hand while wiping a bead of sweat off my brow with the other.

"Um, that's kinda neat." She looked bored to tears. It hit me that I'd probably just spent 20 minutes with my eyes closed straining like an idiot to produce a weakly smoldering ember at the end of a cigarette. It would have been cooler to ramble on about my stamp collection. That she could have at least said "uh huh" to. "I've got a long day tomorrow. I should get going before it get's too late."

"Oh, yeah, sure, me to."

So, in short, I don't have a girlfriend. Also, I'm nearly as cool as an autistic guy when it comes to the single scene. So it's Saturday night, and for the good of mankind, I'm staying in and catching up on my rest.

Goodnight.

The Memo

The daily grind was slightly more interesting then usual today. Not that anything truly unusual happened, mind you. But one of the vast blind things that swim in the corporate sea surfaced and blinked at us all. (Would a blind thing blink? Would it even have eyes? Quit picking on my metaphors.) At any rate it surfaced and handed us a Memo.

In violation of corporate policy and certain of my anonymity I will post it on the web. It’s not exactly the sort of gripping stuff that’s going to get me fired even if they did find me out.

On Intellectual Property:

Like all firms employing magic has the greatest respect for the intellectual property represented by the spells we work with. We are also committed to the expansion of the sum total of human magical knowledge. Remember as per the intellectual property agreement you signed when you began working here (Employee Handbook Section 12.5.27B) you retain full rights to any new magical discoveries or inventions you should create during uncompensated time, on non-corporate projects, and without the use of corporate resources (except where otherwise expressly prohibited).

However, such magical work MAY NOT be perused via the use of corporate resources. Employees of SOULLESS INC. never obtain usage rights to magical Intellectual Property held or leased by SOULLESS. Magical IP not for personal use, and individuals using spells in any way not explicitly allowed by corporate policy will be considered in full violation of Magical IP law.

Unauthorized use, sale, dissemination, or experimentation with Magical IP carries with it possible penalties of: fine equal to 100,000 dollars per incident plus actual damages to the holder of the IP, jail terms upon failure to pay the fine until the fine is paid, conventional arrest warrants issued against the violator, and IP bounty warrants issued against the violator. Enforcement of the IP statutes is a serious concern at all levels of SOULLESS and we will work closely with all state, local, and private IP enforcement agencies to assure violators are caught and punished. Rewards may be available to those who have information leading to the capture or conviction of IP violators.

The memo is, or course, standard boilerplate. But why did they choose to remind us now. I must admit seeing it gave me the willies because I’ve sort of fooled around with the quantum alignment spell. But I haven't I’ve done could get me in trouble.

Fore one thing, I haven't cast quantum alignment. I’ve mostly been casting worthless spells that are vaguely related to quantum alignment. I’ve also come close to casting a few spells that are in use, but the IP laws are pretty clear. You can cast a spell you don't own 'without completion' provided you didn’t realize the spell was copy written before you cast it, and you aren’t attempting to make a profit by casting it.

I think somebody is out there is using quantum alignment on their own in order to make money. And that, my friends, is heap big dumb. It would also explain why work has been so hard lately. I hope they catch the jerk doing this, because he’s the one giving me all these migraines.

Running

I'm a runner, have I mentioned that? I run. Frequently I do so even when I'm not being chased.

If there were an justice in this world bending physics to my will and mastering the very laws of the cosmos the power of my mind would burn a calorie or two. But it doesn't, it just give me headaches. Basically I've got a desk job that would leave me seriously scrawny if I didn't get some exercise.

So tonight, I headed out for a short trot. I was initially going to lift weights, but I decided I wanted something that would make me sweat a little. Plus, for some strange reason, I thought I was feeling sufficiently peppy to think I could make a fast job of it.

When I got on the road all my legs produced a slow bouncy pace which they swore it was their best and produced a twinge in my knee to prove it. I did manage to take a long route. I looped down maple street, past the movie theater, out along that twisty road they've built for the new developments to the west of town, then a short dash behind the Oak Glen strip mall back to maple and my apartment complex.

Related: for a few weeks I've been working on a spell to improve muscle growth. Muscles grow (in part) because they get a bunch of tiny rips in them when they flex really hard. As the body repairs that tissue it puts in a bit of extra tissue and the muscle gets bigger.

Like David I'd like to make a spell I can sell and get rich. It seems like it would be pretty easy to put a bunch of tiny rips in something magically. Unfortunately muscle growth is not quite that simple. You also need a bunch of hormones to trigger the process, and the rips have to be in exactly the right places. The big corporations are always looking for ways to turn out biologicals, so I don't suppose there would be any simple way to convince the body to make the correct set.

Still, it's something to kick around in my off hours and I think I may be very close to an incantation that will tenderize meat like a beaut. If you'll excuse me I must go whip up a protean shake.

The Watchtower

I went to the bar with David tonight. He cries if I won't go out at lest once a week, and tonight was a good night for it because work gave him a migraine but left me pretty much alone. That means I can keep up with him - well at least for the first four or five drinks.

We drove separately from work and when I got to the watchtower David was already hunched over his drink in a coroner booth looking miserable. I snagged a beer, a local lager I enjoy, and joined him with "Tough day?"

David groaned then rallied enough to look at me with red eyes, "Every time I cast the spell it was like lifting a mountain, and it seemed like I had to recast it every five seconds."

"Ouch."

"Yeah. Those bastards have sold more licenses for the spell. That's the roomer."

David scowled at me, "It's the truth. Are you saying you couldn't feel it?"

"No, the spell took more energy."

"And didn't last as long.'

For a mage David is remarkably superstitious about magical things. We've had this debate before, "How long our spell lasts isn't effected by its energy requirements."

David just grunted, then circled around to his original thesis, "Well more people were doing the spell." A waitress sashayed by and he flagged her down, "'Nother beer, and a shot of jack." Perhaps I wasn't going to keep up with him. When David's shot arrived he pounded it back and then looked at me as though inspired by the alcohol. "What I need to do is come up with my own spell."

I raised my eyebrows. "Yes, that would be nice."

"Something everyone will want. Or better yet a few very rich people will want it."

"You could also win the lotto."

"No, I'm serious. I need to come up with something good, make my mark, make some money!"

I shrugged. I should explain. Not many people come up with new spells. Try it for five minutes and you'll see why. Flying, fireballs, magical shields, immortality, and the like have all been done. Most of what's invented now is a little dongle of a spell that makes some piece of some industrial process easier.

Don't get me wrong, that sort of thing makes someone a lot of money. But you have to be on the inside, you have to know just what goes into - um, well into making a refrigerator for example, which parts are cheap and easy and which are expensive and cumbersome. Then you get a team of engineers the problem for a few weeks (or moths, or years, or decades) and they tell you the best way to improve a process is make part 52A experience 10% less friction at some point. This you give to the mages who will normally say a spell like that exists but it's too hard, or expensive, to include in the process. So you cycle and research until you come up with a total new effect you can develop a spell for, or - less optimally but more frequently - you can license and implement existing spell cheaply enough to make the improvement economically.

In response to my shrug, David gave me a squinty version of the evil eye. "You're a downer."

"Oh I guess. Alright, um, if you could figure out how to teleport things you'd make a ton of money."

"That's never been done."

"Well of course. I was thinking negative energy to make wormholes."

David grinned seemingly more interested in this conversation. I think his headache was going away. "No one knows how to make negative energy. I think gravity is clearly the way to go."

"Sure, but it's impossible to make enough..." and then we spent much of the night debating the impossible.

Introduction

Welcome to my blog! Welcome, but don’t get your hopes up. I probably won’t post a whole lot and I’m only starting this thing because I want to complain about my job.

I’m a geek, I mean Wizard. I’ve already announced my intent to complain, but I probably shouldn’t. The pay is OK, not great or even really good (I graduated in the economic slump) but I get by and even save a bit. The hours are good, I guess. There’ normally anyway, 8 to 5.

What I actually do is the part that sucks. I’m an “operator” which means I cast the same spell over and over again. In my particular case it’s a spell called, to use the name it was invented with: Strange Movement. To use the new name “Quantum Alignment.” Basically it changes a room temperature fluid into a Bose-Einstein condensate which causes the molecules to love through a piece of equipment more regularly. This, in turn, allows for a regular self assembly of elements on a nano-scale. I cast the spell on the new raw materials going into a spinning wheel which makes carbon nano-tubes.

So why did I decide to get into _this_ line of work? I didn’t exactly. I was always good in my magic classes but I decided to go into Advertising. I thought I’d get into a field called “direct presentation”. Basically, street sales people, marketing conventions, special events, and store displays. All of the stuff uses a lot of magic to get attention and impress. Because of that I decided to minor in magic. Kind of give me a leg up on getting into the filed.

Only I get to college and realize all of my add Profs were basically recovering drunks. Not that they were bad professors that’s just what the field does to you. They warned us about long hours, job stress, and the inevitability of being fired. I didn’t look forward to that, so I switched around my majors and fell into magic.

Beyond the job I guess I am a nice, and normal, enough guy. I’m not posting a picture of myself (because I’m not a good enough prize to show off on the Internet) but physically I’m about 6 feet tall, skinny, red hair (that goes everywhere), pale skin, and freckles. I’d say people like me after they get to know me, but I’m never going to win high office based on the first impression I give.

I come from New Mexico. You might be surprised to learn this, but a place with a giant beaming sun on its flag isn’t really the greatest for pale skinned people. Perhaps that’s why I decided to go to college in Indiana and eventually ended up working in Seattle. When I’m not working (which is as often as I can manage) I enjoy running, video games, books , mystic school martial arts, and generally loafing about.

I’m looking forward to getting to know all of you, and all of you getting to know me. In fact, I’d like to give you all a GREAT BIG HUG right now! Just kidding, just kidding, I kid because I love. Because I love and because I’m not exactly sure how to end this post. OK, going now, talk to you all later.